tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post4801500447130215088..comments2023-05-08T09:00:26.345-04:00Comments on Psychobabble!: Single No More..Solitairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09751415960885943414noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-6638297407399418532008-02-04T12:11:00.000-05:002008-02-04T12:11:00.000-05:00Sad but true..i think in a marriage, wave lengths ...Sad but true..i think in a marriage, wave lengths matter more than anything else.., but in the indian context, you always marry the guy or the gals family and than the actual person and thats where I believe the issue startsLakshmihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10131764134144215720noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-25111213691272039482008-01-28T21:33:00.000-05:002008-01-28T21:33:00.000-05:00Darshi, apologies if i offended you....a breakup f...Darshi, apologies if i offended you....a breakup for a relationship of 4 yrs is worse even than a divorce, trust me....it really is........<BR/><BR/>visit my blog and u d see the pain :)<BR/><BR/>Sneha, i dont care about the status as single, the most important thing is emotional health, it doesnt matter how the hospitals or bureaus or others see me as (single or broke or whateva), the pain of going through the breakup is worst......more worst than the divorce........<BR/><BR/>Ask mez and me, we are witness to that.........<BR/><BR/>Any kind of separation is painful, doesnt matter if its legally separation in divorce or a breakup in a long relationship when u have stayed almost as good as a ....Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-74468582763259248322008-01-27T20:20:00.000-05:002008-01-27T20:20:00.000-05:00@Preeti - Sorry , if i offended u.By no means am i...@Preeti - Sorry , if i offended u.By no means am i trying to contest u here. <BR/><BR/>Like I and a whole bunch of others have commented, we are all saying the same thing but in different words.<BR/><BR/>In my opinion .."lessening the importance on marriage and commitment " should not be a way of making Divorce a less-taboo topic. I u'stand & agree free society comes at a cost and that wishing away divorces is unrealisitc.<BR/> What this blog lays stress on is change in attitude towards divorcees...rgdg which I'm completely onboard.<BR/><BR/>PS : I'm not sure if I have managed to convey what I'm thinking, but no offenses meant.Pavi!!!!https://www.blogger.com/profile/10798909986381885842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-65938292468960998342008-01-25T22:51:00.000-05:002008-01-25T22:51:00.000-05:00@ Preethi, I think the point that this article mak...@ Preethi, I think the point that this article makes is that India is not that far behind in terms of where United States now is. If the statistics is like this in Mumbai (where things usually start such as imported goods, fashion, etc), soon it will be accepted all over the nation. At least in the next 20 years, things will change. I hope that the attitudes towards divorcees also change.Solitairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09751415960885943414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-19634816765451020972008-01-25T21:42:00.000-05:002008-01-25T21:42:00.000-05:00@ pavi: Pls. read the context of my statement and ...@ pavi: Pls. read the context of my statement and read my comment completely and try to contest me there. I say this with utmost humility. Because you've replied understanding it in the exact opposite way!<BR/><BR/>What i meant by that is since such an importance is given to marriage and committment in India simply wishing away all the feelings against divorcees is unrealistic. It comes with the package. Free society comes at a cost. Hope i clarified my point.Preethihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01307439788003599987noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-6663232072766332372008-01-25T21:32:00.000-05:002008-01-25T21:32:00.000-05:00@ solitaire: Although the statistics are shocking,...@ solitaire: Although the statistics are shocking, i've to point to you that Mumbai and Thane does not represent the whole of India. You cannot by any measure compare it to the 50% of the American statistics. This point should not be ignored because it gives a skewed vision of India when that is not the case. It is nice to know that ur American friends are committed. But i've lived on and off in the US for a very very long time now. I've seen a bit but 'divorce at the drop of the hat' was a far fetched statement. To that i agree !Preethihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01307439788003599987noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-62590440016054591312008-01-25T15:23:00.000-05:002008-01-25T15:23:00.000-05:00@ Pavi, I sure will! And if nothing of that sort h...@ Pavi, I sure will! And if nothing of that sort happens, assuming that this is true, we will have to accept it. Denial is not going to work too long.Solitairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09751415960885943414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-53732621580662871592008-01-25T15:18:00.000-05:002008-01-25T15:18:00.000-05:00@ ceedy - In response to ur Q .. " do you think ...@ ceedy - In response to ur Q ..<BR/> " do you think that this advent of computers and constant updates and change and pace of getting things done - has made us unstable - as we are looking for quick fixes in relationships rather than working at the core of the issues..... "<BR/><BR/>Yes, in the name of being "forward" , "open-minded", "independent".... tolerance,faith,trust is lost and quick decisions are made.We want everything to be perfect & "my-way" and are not willing to make any compromises.<BR/><BR/>I don't want any1 to misunderstand me here..i'm not saying people should stay in a marriage however bad it is..I'm just saying one should give it a fair shot.Pavi!!!!https://www.blogger.com/profile/10798909986381885842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-19343839912441740452008-01-25T14:53:00.000-05:002008-01-25T14:53:00.000-05:00@ preeti - u have said "unless the importance ...@ preeti - u have said <BR/> "unless the importance attached to 'marriage and commitment' lessens in the Indian society .... any kind of taboo feeling on the divorcees will remain. "<BR/><BR/>I take a lot of pride in the amount of importance India attaches to the institution of marriage.Infact Americans are trying to learn/ ape us with regard to how much importance we give to relationships(parents-children , husband-wife etc) , while we are trying to ape them in the process of trying to be "cool" $ "forward" . <BR/> Marriage is a sacred institution. n Ideally should be a one-time event in each person's life. That is the way of life & thats wat a person should belive when he decides to marry.<BR/> But of course if situations don't permit that, I'm not advocating that a person remain in a broken marriage.<BR/><BR/>The ideal / perfect scenario..is trying to strike the balance. Giving the marriage a fair shot, trying to work out the differences and if all done & it yet doesn't work out..then Divorce is a solution.Pavi!!!!https://www.blogger.com/profile/10798909986381885842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-26754272361339943062008-01-25T14:52:00.000-05:002008-01-25T14:52:00.000-05:00@ sneha - wooow! that article has left me in total...@ sneha - wooow! that article has left me in total shock... 2 of 5 marriages applying for divorce IN INDIA ?? It's so unbeliveable. Frankly I'm hoping therez something rong with the research and ther'll be an apology regarding wrong info in that article soon! Pls let us know if that does happen!!!<BR/><BR/>Also i believe problems in any kind of relationship is caused by 2persons. One person alone cannot be blamed. Tho , the trigger/ starting point for all trouble may be one person.Pavi!!!!https://www.blogger.com/profile/10798909986381885842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-86675116374875471422008-01-25T14:05:00.000-05:002008-01-25T14:05:00.000-05:00Sneha,I agree with you completely. As I had mentio...Sneha,<BR/>I agree with you completely. As I had mentioned in my first comment, the potential spouse must have the 'balls' to accept their partner and not be influenced by his/her family beliefs, or societal pressures. <BR/>And of course, they must also be sensitive enough to understand what their partner went through in the past. <BR/><BR/><BR/>If I offended anyone with any of my comments, I truly apologize. <BR/>Breakups and divorces are very painful, and private. There is absolutely no time limit for grieving over a failed relationship. All I can say from my personal experience is that there is hope for all of us.Rho Tau GWIShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17177046915489534779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-1298360844888358242008-01-25T13:58:00.001-05:002008-01-25T13:58:00.001-05:00@ Mez, no mez, things will not fall into place as ...@ Mez, no mez, things will not fall into place as it is. It is a different thing to respect divorcees and another thing to accept them as your life-partner. We have to actively work to bring about this change.<BR/><BR/>@ Preethi, you are very right about us having to make a change and bring about a difference. However, based on the article I posted in the comments section, for every 5 marriages registered in Mumbai, there are 2 applications for a divorce. This means that we are not that far behind compared to the American statistic of 50% divorce rate. I also think it is wrong for us to assume that Americans divorce at the drop of a hat. I have lived here several years, have several American friends, very few who went through a divorce, and when they did, they tried very hard to save their marriages before they took this final step.Solitairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09751415960885943414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-55952009465853593862008-01-25T13:58:00.000-05:002008-01-25T13:58:00.000-05:00thts so very true....n with things changing so fas...thts so very true....n with things changing so fast u see a lot of divorcees n all in india too...separated couples n all...the list is growing..yep...sometimes just the situation is just not perfect even when the two ppl r there who think they can make it perfect...thts life.. :D..nice post..updated my blog :)maverickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15414051831285267027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-51584351440799833992008-01-25T13:53:00.000-05:002008-01-25T13:53:00.000-05:00@ Ceedy, I really think that if a partner is insec...@ Ceedy, I really think that if a partner is insecure about someone's past marriage, they are really in denial about what is going on in today's world. How many of us here talk about ex-boyfriends and broken relationships all the time? I think less that 50% of today's youngsters have never been in a relationship before they get married. If we were to dwell on that, we would remain insecure all our lives.<BR/><BR/>BTW, just to let you know. There is a site called www.secondshaadi.com because people are becoming more and more aware of the increasing number of divorces in India. And that facts are clear in that article by the Times of India.Solitairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09751415960885943414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-64040190135596299202008-01-25T13:50:00.000-05:002008-01-25T13:50:00.000-05:00@ Ashu, I often feel that the trauma that a broken...@ Ashu, I often feel that the trauma that a broken long-term relationship makes you go through may be equivalent to the trauma of a divorcee. However, for the sake of society, you still remain SINGLE. When you go to hospitals, the categories that they have is Single, Married, Divorced, Widowed. You still manage to check on "Single". You are still known as a single woman whose relationship did not work out with her boyfriend/fiance. You do not have the "thappa" (as Anjuli put it) of being a divorcee and living with that label. And if you decided to sign up for a matrimonial site, your profile will not be filtered out because to the world, you are SINGLE.Solitairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09751415960885943414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-85948813650495651922008-01-25T13:46:00.000-05:002008-01-25T13:46:00.000-05:00@ Darshini, I do not necessarily feel that a divor...@ Darshini, I do not necessarily feel that a divorcee should only marry a divorcee because they would best understand the situation. However, it is necessary for a divorcee to marry someone who is open-minded and has the strength to face the obstacles that Indian society may place before the couple, and someone who will be sensitive to what the divorcee has gone through.Solitairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09751415960885943414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-83965483738724553362008-01-25T13:38:00.000-05:002008-01-25T13:38:00.000-05:00Thank you for the artical....Wow!!!!!So I am part ...Thank you for the artical....Wow!!!!!<BR/><BR/>So I am part of a statistic :( though not Bombay.....<BR/><BR/>But on a lighter note....<BR/>2out of 5 is 40% so another 10% - there will be equal candidates - married (seperated) and unmarried - so you think "shaddi.com" should also come up with "wapasshaddi.com" or smg like that...<BR/><BR/>just posing another question to everyone - do you think that this advent of computers and constant updates and change and pace of getting things done - has made us unstable - as we are looking for quick fixes in relationships rather than working at the core of the issues.....(cld be another blog doc!!!)ceedyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17767787593275846653noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-9232600719325867462008-01-25T13:25:00.000-05:002008-01-25T13:25:00.000-05:00Hey everyone, I urge you to read this recent artic...Hey everyone, I urge you to read this recent article in the Times of India and comment on it.<BR/><BR/><BR/>http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/2729438.cmsSolitairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09751415960885943414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-57417144377568065222008-01-25T13:16:00.000-05:002008-01-25T13:16:00.000-05:00As you scroll down...... the comments get longer a...As you scroll down...... the comments get longer and are more OPEN and questions more pointed, answers even so. Evolution at its best.<BR/><BR/>Anywhere, when such obviously. debatable/ 'extremely personal for some', posts are written both the author of the post and people who are commenting should be courteous to others' points of view. Many times when such points are discussed the comments/replies are very rude unless you say 'i agree'. But in this particular post it changed to a good discussion forum. nice to see.<BR/><BR/>On the topic though..... unless the importance attached to 'marriage and commitment' lessens in the Indian society .... any kind of taboo feeling on the divorcees will remain. <BR/><BR/>Extremely unfair but that's how things get formulated in a society. It is all connected. For the simple reason that a married man or a woman in India strives their best to make their marriage work compared to their Western counterparts. Whether anybody accepts it or not that is the truth. At least for most part. So when someone is divorced in India it is an automatic assumption that something or somebody is extremely wrong. This is not the case in western countries since divorces happen at the drop of the hat and does not mean that something is extremely wrong just that they were 'not compatible'. So pls. do not compare 2 absolutely different cultures. <BR/><BR/>It is very inhumane to see people differently because of the situations that they were unfortunate to have faced. <BR/>I wish things were different. <BR/>I wish all you guys who have stood behind what this post stands for take it seriously and find a way to bring about a difference in your own circle first.<BR/>everything should have a beginning.<BR/>Begin at home. Help your nears and dears who are going through this or have gone through this.<BR/>Find them dating mates. help them to set up a profile in matrimony sites. Make a difference.Preethihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01307439788003599987noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-25923058925014406482008-01-25T11:19:00.000-05:002008-01-25T11:19:00.000-05:00Thank you Sneha and Darshini for this insightful r...Thank you Sneha and Darshini for this insightful rhetoric....<BR/><BR/>At Ashu - giving a second read - it seems we are all on the same page - and just because the topic is sensitive - we read it in our own different ways and feel quesy.....<BR/><BR/>The only thing missing in this equation is someone who is totally opposed to this idea....then the real debate can occur...<BR/><BR/>The crux of the matter is there are ways and means and instances where everyone can co-exist - you just have to be patient to find that space...ceedyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17767787593275846653noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-26938251880513566442008-01-25T06:10:00.000-05:002008-01-25T06:10:00.000-05:00I see a long set of discussions on this post here....I see a long set of discussions on this post here. Let's learn to respect others sentiments first regardless of their status....things will themselves fall into place. Agree wid yah totally.Mezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13916802435996239841noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-1451844972980010022008-01-24T23:40:00.000-05:002008-01-24T23:40:00.000-05:00@ CeedyTo comment on the point about 'how much inf...@ Ceedy<BR/><BR/>To comment on the point about 'how much info to divulge'...<BR/><BR/>Well, it is possible for the other person to feel insecure about their spouse's prior relationship.<BR/>It is just as likely for someone to worry that their partner will cheat on them in the future (whether or not they were previously married).<BR/><BR/>I think, that is something that they, as a couple, have to work on. It is the responsibility of the woman/man to make her/his partner feel secure in their current relationship.Rho Tau GWIShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17177046915489534779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-4633813178856820062008-01-24T23:28:00.000-05:002008-01-24T23:28:00.000-05:00@ CeedyThe answer to your question is 'ABSOLUTELY ...@ Ceedy<BR/><BR/>The answer to your question is <BR/>'ABSOLUTELY NOT'.<BR/><BR/>I know someone very close to me who has been married to someone for 30+ years, and have two grown up children.<BR/><BR/>However, the marriage is a sham. They met in college, and fell in love. Years passed and their differences became obvious. The husband has even cheated on the wife several times. But, unfortunately, they are still together, primarily because of societal pressures, and also, as the wife says 'for the sake of the children'.<BR/><BR/>My heart goes out to her. I have tried many a times to convince her to file for divorce. She has been the U.S. for quite some time now, and her children are grown up and on their own. So none of the reasons she had before for not leaving her husband, exist anymore.<BR/>But, she still refuses to leave him, because she believes that they are still good friends. Their marriage is a complete sham. They sleep in separate rooms, but put up show for others when they are in public. <BR/><BR/>So, I believe that for a situation such as this, it is completely up to the person to make the decision to leave or stay. All we can do is be good friends/relatives, and support them no matter what, and pray that they can find some peace.Rho Tau GWIShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17177046915489534779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-55485279996851396652008-01-24T23:21:00.000-05:002008-01-24T23:21:00.000-05:00@ Ashu...Please point out where I 'trashed' other ...@ Ashu...<BR/>Please point out where I 'trashed' other divorcees??<BR/><BR/>I'll give you my own example, and Sneha can vouch for this I believe. I'm not just making this up.<BR/>I was in a relationship with someone a few years ago, and was even engaged to him for a year. During that time, he cheated on me once, and I forgave him. A couple years after that, he cheated again, and then I kicked his sorry ass out of my life.<BR/>And it took me three years to get over it. <BR/><BR/>I am now engaged so someone whom I'm completely happy with. But, he has never been a committed relationship before me. <BR/><BR/>So the point I was trying to make, which you obviously missed, is that divorcees or people in prior serious relationships should not feel that the only way they are going to have a relationship again, is if it is with someone who has been through exactly the same thing.<BR/><BR/>I'm sorry for what you are going through right now. Trust me, I've been there, and during that time, I was not sure if I was going to be able to be happy again. But, I found love again, and I am very happy now. <BR/>I have not forgotten what happened to me in the past, but I don't dwell on it.<BR/><BR/>Now, to answer your question about, do I know other divorcees. Yes, I know many. My own aunt for one. She got divorced within months of her marriage, and its been 30 years, and she is still divorced. Because of the Indian society, and its shallow beliefs, even though she found love again, it never got to the point of marriage. <BR/><BR/>I also have another example..my very close friend got divorced a few years ago. And now, she is happily married again, with someone who was never married before.Rho Tau GWIShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17177046915489534779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8387806561280667418.post-50120694166878814432008-01-24T22:28:00.000-05:002008-01-24T22:28:00.000-05:00Hi Solitaire,Divorcees should never be treated wit...Hi Solitaire,<BR/>Divorcees should never be treated with contempt or discrimination. They may have made a mistake in their lives but who does not. People who discriminate against divorcees are people who are out of the times. People change and people do commit mistakes. Who is perfect in this world who will never commit a mistake in his entire life? Nobody I think. So let us not become hypocrites as to cast our stones on other people for the next stone may be thrown at us. Thanks for the controversial post. God bless you and your family always.Mel Avila Alarillahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00166954063114607598noreply@blogger.com