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Friday, July 18, 2008

Those Married Folks!

Most of us have been placed in a stage where matters of the heart are taking priority over all else. If its not you, then its perhaps a friend who is looking for his or her soul-mate, or a parent perplexed over your nonchalant attitude. Or maybe it IS you wandering helter-skelter, month after month, keeping your eyes and ears open for the ONE. And then there are some of us, who have found our mates, and are basking in the glory of being a part of a couple.

In interacting with many of my counterparts raised in India, I often get the impression that marriage is put on a pedestal and is portrayed either by our family, friends, or media to be the ultimate goal in life. So come our 20's and that's all that everyone talks about!

At a cousin's wedding, you may hear, "You are next!" or "When are you giving us the good news?". The usual yawns.

At home, you may hear, "Beta. If you start looking now, you will find someone in a couple years". The usual trap.

From committed friends, you may hear, "Come now. Its high time you too joined the bandwagon". The usual camaraderie talk.

And then some of us succumb to the pressure, either out of frustration or perhaps boredom. The rest exert free will and do what their heart tells them, whatever it may be.

What do observers do? The ones who are not ready for marriage make derogatory comments about the institution. The famous shaadi ke laddoo phrase. Calling married couples (no matter how young they are), uncle and aunty. Emphasizing over and over again about how excited they are about their freedom. The ones who are ready but are not yet in the institution put them on the pedestal. The "Wow you are married?!" phrase with an expression of awe. "Oh my God, please don't change!" phrase with an expression of helplessness. The "Oh when will my turn come?" phrase with an expression of longing.

What follows is the categorization of married couples. Yes, we singles categorize them as if they have their own clan! I was once introduced to a guy through another friend at my university. My friend said, "Hey Rajeev, this is Solitaire. Hey Solitaire, this is Rajeev. He is married." Is marriage the only thing that makes Rajeev's identity? Was that sort of an introduction necessary? Was it a subtle warning to me from my friend as if to say, "Stay away..not our type!"

Why? Why do we make such a big deal about someone being married? Why is it not ok to call a married friend at 3 am but ok to call a single friend at 3 am? 3 am is an unearthly hour for a phone call, married or not married. Why is it assumed that married people have a real life and single people really do not (now this altogether is worthy of another post)?

Why?

113 Words of Wisdom:

Deepti said...

This post was like almost reading something I think myself.I hear it every waking moment ... from parents, relatives, apartment people... I am sure the cuckoo which coos daily would be asking the same if given a chance :)

I always wonder why people consider being married to xyz as their only identity .. forge an identity to suit their spouses and then lose out on being themselves ...

Great post :D and great pic :)

lukkydivz said...

LOL I CAN SEE THAT INCIPIENT FEAR IN YOU BEING LABELED AS 'MARRIED'. There's still time for it to happen di ;)

and also u still have a choice :P DONT GET MARRIED ;)

Ankur said...

This post is for me i guess!! :D

Startin from the last, my friends can call me anytime, if i feel like picking up then i will!! :P
if my "Status" defines whether i should pick a call or not... then i thing i have chosen the wrong person if she forces me to do so!!!

I dont know and never understood how prefrences and priorities changes coz of ur partner... friends becomes liability, company (with others) takes a back seat and wat most think is that of the guy or the girl they are in relationship with!!

Somehow, the introduction to Rajeev sounded wierd to me, here in India too!!! How does it matters, cant we be friends after marriage??

I guess i m not like normal, i m possesive but for me my friends matter the same as my girl, so it may be also one of the reason i may have lost her, coz my priorities cant change SO MUCH coz someone enters into my life!!!

Guess being married is something very interesting and believe me i wud luv to be in it, but at the same time i believe if i will be liked for something which i dont even posess then its better to be not liked!!!

Everyone back home asks me the same question... when r u gettin married, shaadi kar le, and rightly said by you, most friends in relationship ask the same question!!!

But there are few and they never ask me such coz they know wat i m really and the day i will be in one, the world will know!!!

I dont know how the same thought came to me yesterday, I was watching the How i met ur mother, season 2 where actually Robin says "those 3 words" to Ted, n i felt how sweet it is, the relationship, where u dont expect ur partner to behave the way u like...
Also i thought abt how does it matters being single or in love, till the time u enjoy ur life, relationship is kinda gud, no doubt... but being single is also fun!!!

We love someone for what they are, not for wat they can be, or would be, i think those who love for future expect but not love!!!

Everyone wants that his/her partner think of him/her, but not always... frankly!!!

Somehow i thought that ur post talks abt 2 issues at the same time and all these things came to my mind...

There was a lot more but Sorry for my long comment and i dont mind if u dont read it, coz its too long!!! :)

Cheers!!!

Paradox Phillic said...

Yup... I could relate too!!

Rakesh said...

Hey Solitaire, this is Rajeev. He is married."..i coould have asked really....:D

Anamika:The Sugarcrafter said...

dear solitaire
Times are changing and so is perception in India, too ! Follow your heart, they say and without guilt.

Rakesh said...

since u r Physcologist..why not write something about "Fundamental attribution error" as the Q asked by u...everyone will come to know abt. it..i will also get clear picture....Thankuu.

Aneesh said...

it is because, in india, we give a lot of importance to marriage. It is considered as one of the most important occassion in one's life. Well, similar to being an adult, getting a job. Ofcourse compared to that marriage is a lot more valued thing. And since we give that much importance to marriage do our family stability is better than what's in other countries.

Anjuli said...

have not read the post as yet, will comment again after reading..

Just wanted to let u know that I don't like this template :( can u pls change it?

don't publish the comment, if u don't feel like...

vishesh said...

:) well,i don't even feel like talking to humans,let alone get married...lol...anyway i think ppl should choose whoever they want....after all "love' is needed....

Pavi!!!! said...

Is this my explanation for calling married ladies aunties? :) thanks..

I agree in India one grows up thinking that when in the 20s ur suppose to find the right (wo)man n get married.
The below thoughts are applicable only to 1st marriages.
As humans our interests change with time, environement, friends, peers, family, and AGE.I personally don't believe age should be the only limit/criteria for marriage..but it cant be denied that it is indeed one of the criteria. So I'm not sayin that a 40-yr old can't marry, but it is most definitely not the ideal age to get married at.
I have seen a few 35-odd yr old singles n yes they seem very unhappy n bored in life. They tend to get v.needy & desperate. I'm not denying that society n friends may be the reason why they feel that way.But thts not a nice place to be at.

But then agn..like i said age alone is not the criteria. The RIGHT PERSON is the most imp critria. Recently a friend of mine is getting married to this one guy w/o actually having thought over it much. she has a lot of singles around her who are forever cribbing about being single at 30+ n She is worried that if she doesnt get married now, she ll be in the same shoes. Now, i dont think wat she is doing is fine.

n yes sumtimes the singles give the married ppl a hardtime. For eg a friend of mine moved to a new company n i asked him how are ur new collegues. His response "Boring re..most of em are married". Of course, i was offended!I had so many ppl calling me aunty a day after i got married n i dint find it one bit funny.The stereotyping is unfair!
2 yrs after marriage my male n female friends yet call me at 12 midnite.n they know if its not a situation of "Do or Die" they'll hv to pay big-time for a 3 AM call, which was the case even before i got married!

When it comes to real life..well, if one is content with their own lives I don't think anything else matters.I'm sure each of our defintions of a Real Life will differ!Married or not..it is upto each individual to have tht real life!

rayshma said...

ppl seriously introduce others as "he's xyz, he's married"??? really??
that friend deserves one tight slap!
i'd have been quite irritated if someone introduced ME that way!
no, gurl.. marriage doesn't change anything. but then, it depends on the individual.
both of us don't give a damn abt how we're "supposed" to behave. we're ourselves... just that we're together. our families think we're quite irresponsible and childish because we don't behave like uncle-aunties... but heyy, how does it matter who thinks what as long as u're happy, rite?!

as i keep telling my single frenz... it's not critical to be married.. it's really critical to marry the right person.
chal.. me off... see u on the 24th now! :)

Neeku said...

deja vu !

I am having a family reunion tomorrow ! and believe me... I am dreading it like leprosy !

Uugh ! Neekubeta haave bo thayu... lagaaan nu vichar...

Kai thai nai... its hard to change such attitude...

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

On contrary to what is usually portrayed about married people,they usually DON'T have a life(at least the girls).Through my college years,I have seen many friends getting married one by one.And except for maybe one or two(read they do not live with in-laws),none of them are the same anymore.They do not have time for themselves,leave alone us old friends.Either it's because they got saddled with a child by their first anniversary or they are simply tied to the numerous commitments that go along with marriage or because of the various occasions they are demanded to be present at,and so on.

At first,I was awed too and used to secretly wish my turn would come soon.But with time,I have realized there is so much more to life than marriage.I don't know why people think that tying the knot is the ultimate goal of life.Even after knowing that I have someone,my family is badgering me to get married,when right now what we both want to is to make our respective careers.

And it's not just us Indians who are in such awe of the title of being married.One should get married when one feels they are ready for it,and not because they are badgered into it.It's a pity not all have a choice to make their own decisions,because of those who think they "know better".

jitendra said...

you wanna call a married guy/gal at 3 am? 3 !?!?
Nice.

Solitaire said...

@ Jitendra,

Is that all you got from this post?

Solitaire said...

@ Lukky,

Its not a fear about getting married. Its about the frustration that married people are either labeled as Gods or "boring" as Pavi said and likewise, single people as either "losers" or "free birds" like as if that's all that matters.

Solitaire said...

@ Neeku,

I can understand if people from the old school of thought, such as people from another generation, say such things as times were different then. But what about our peers?

Solitaire said...

@ Vishesh,

Precisely! Why are people not allowed to choose?

Solitaire said...

@ Paradox,

Thanks!!

Solitaire said...

@ Rakesh,

Seriously!! Do we introduce people as "This is Rajeev. He is Marathi" or "This is Rajeev. He is an only child."? Then why the mention of marriage?

Solitaire said...

@ Rakesh,

I have already written about it in my older posts.

Solitaire said...

@ Anamika,

Really? If it is changing, it is at a snail's pace. I really cannot see it.

Solitaire said...

@ Aneesh,

I do not think putting married people on pedestals and giving it so much importance over jobs and other identities necessarily leads to HAPPY families. There are many people out there who are in unhappy marriages precisely because they will be ostracized if they walk out.

Solitaire said...

@ Anjuli,

But I like it!! I started Psychobabble off with green and want to continue with that. Phir bhi dekhti hoon if I like anything else.

Solitaire said...

@ Deepti,

Right!! I think that tends to happen a lot with women more than men. "Mera pati mera devta hai" attitude.

Solitaire said...

@ Ankur,

Haha!! Ok if you say so..its for you!

***if my "Status" defines whether i should pick a call or not... then i thing i have chosen the wrong person if she forces me to do so!!!

Its not that your spouse will stop you from picking their call but that your friends will decide you are not worthy of being called at 3 am anymore!

***company (with others) takes a back seat and wat most think is that of the guy or the girl they are in relationship with!!

Maybe they do that but then people also expect them to do that!! Its a vicious circle.

Thanks for the long comment. Yes, I was talking about two issues related to each other.

Aneesh said...

sol,

Ofcourse, exceptions are always there and will be there. No one can design a system which is fool proof. But as far as our society is concerned, the importance it's giving to marriage results in far more good than bad.

Solitaire said...

@ Pavi,

This is my explanation of why PEOPLE CALL married women aunties..not me!!
:)

I like how you say that your thoughts are valid for first marriages. Ten years ago, even this statement would have sounded weird..like marriage is a one time thing and can never end,and if it does, you are not allowed to marry again!

I think that when 35 year olds get needy and desperate, it does have to do a lot with society giving up on them and looking down on singles (even though other factors such as loneliness also play a role).

I have heard that dialogue a lot too..."Married people are boring. How? Why? Married people do not like partying? Do not blog? Do not play games? What is it!!?"

I wish that society would let married and single people do what they want and not categorize them like they cannot cohabit in one world.

Solitaire said...

@ Rayshma,

I swear they do!! I was so mad at my friend for doing that.

Marriage may not change you but it changes the way people look at you. I already told you in your post that if things have not changed for you, then it speaks a lot about you as a person because I am sure that the society has not changed for you!!

Solitaire said...

@ Aneesh,

I think these exceptions are increasing in numbers. I do not know how old you are and how many married friends you have. I have plenty, more than 70% of which 50% are unhappy and STUCK. Because society is giving marriage so much importance, they are not allowed to walk out and be single again. Also they know that if they do, considering how Indian society is, remarriage will be hard for them.

Solitaire said...

@ Sameera,

***On contrary to what is usually portrayed about married people,they usually DON'T have a life(at least the girls)

I think a lot of married women will take offense to that. Moreover, I think that what you call "no life" may actually be what society views to be "the perfect life" and hence, they think that singles who have not as many "family responsibilities" do not have a real life.

It is a sad state of affairs the way one is considered better than the other when I think that both not only have their own pros and cons but that it is truly the decision of the individual to decide which course they want to take, as you said.

Tarun said...

Symapthies to this post and to one and all.
I m afraid u not alone who carrying the burden of single/alone.

Marriage is not an end of something.

Obviously things change after friends/colleagues get married.
for e.g I cannot say things in the same manner/tone as the friend or their spouse may find it embarrassing or uncourteuos.
So things definetly change.

But at times parents prove to be too desperate.

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

I said "usually",NOT in all cases,based on "real" experiences of my friends and colleagues.No offense was meant to those married and still being able to pursue their own interests.

As for what society thinks,let the society take a hike!

I rest my case :)

nik said...

"Stay away..not our type!"

i think you meant

"Stay away..not available!" ??

Solitaire said...

@ Nik,

No I truly meant..."not our type" as in married people belong to another species, apparently.

Solitaire said...

@ Tarun,

Why are you offer sympathies to my post?

What an oxymoron!! I am not alone in carrying the burden of being alone!

nik said...

while i might not be overtly thrilled at the stereotype created in the Indian society about marriages, stereotypes and conformance to social practices and mob mentality are an undeniable way of life. Woe begone the individual who attempts to go against social norms. So if society gives you a hard time about marriage, suck it up, coz there aren't too many alternate options.

on the topic of cast-in-stone-stereotypes, the stereotype of married folks losing a bit of their freewill is entirely true. A bachelor who likes watching NBA at the stadium with his friends can no longer do so, since his spouse likes to go the opera instead. This forced transition is perceived by his un-intelligible single friends as a change towards the boring side ("oh, yyy doesn't watch sports with us anymore, he isn't cool anymore, since he has gotten married, he's become such a bore yaar").

Solitaire said...

@ Nik,

I believe that every stereotype has a grain of truth somewhere otherwise it would not have grown to be a stereotype in the first place. However, a stereotype also does not necessarily apply to everyone.

So if a guy is forced to go to the opera instead of exercising his free will to go to the game, is the wife then "cool" because she continues to do whatever she always liked to? Is that where the glorification towards marriage comes from? From women?

Solitaire said...

@ Sameera,

I wish we could let society go take a hike or fly kites (as I would say). Unfortunately, we cannot because we live in it and form it.

aneri_masi said...

What category are you in?

Solitaire said...

@ Aneri,

What are the choices?

Anindita said...

Interesting!

I can't relate much, but I understand the fear! :)

Anu said...

Gosh, it was nice to read a post, which sympathised with both married and the single. I had been through the entire "Get married now" singing by my parents and pals, till I finally settled down. But I noticed a change in my single pals after I got married , it was almost as if I got a disease and they started every call with "Any good news???", as if that was my only life's worth. I think both the status are amazing, and to bracket a person in a "Type" because they are married or not is baloney

nik said...

"However, a stereotype also does not necessarily apply to everyone."

A particular stereotype doesn't apply to everyone, but everyone always fits one or the other stereotype.


and nope .. the same applies to the wife as well .. she no longer can attend kitty parties or gossip sessions in the evening because her loving husband who compromised on game nights would rather play poker at the neighbors... so she is no longer cool as well.

ceedy said...

Read thru most comments...just some thoughts:

@ankur

*I dont know and never understood how prefrences and priorities changes coz of ur partner...*

Sometimes its not just because of partners themselves...it can attribute to each others family where one is extremely free and the other is orthodox....these are things one learns only after being together for long...when you are simply going around...its all rosy...


@solitaire

maybe because there is not concept of middle ground as yet in india...

no one will ever ask you
"Are you seeing someone?"
or "Are you in a relationship riht now"
It is just the two extremes - single or marriage....


And as everything in India the way it is - we are in a constant race (talking about most of the people who are educated)

We have no choice to select what we want to - besides the three streams in college. You are not allowed to change or drop something you dont like.

Then obviously as someone mentiones - its a job or the family business and the next transition is marriage and kids...

The time to explore ones liking and self is rare...except for few of us who are out of that system....
It is such an irony that when you talk to people here they are awow about india and its spiritual oppourtunities and self development but we being in the system are either deemed radical or dumb as we are going against the "parampara".....

and besides this most of us who blog are educated and have a certain power to choose...but majority of india is sadly not....

and lastly besides us being pressured or questioned its our peers who are also under tremendous pressure...from all others asking them "Shu thayu" - "ajin kuwaro/kuwari che"...so its passed onto us.....

nice post!

Solitaire said...

@ Nik,

So if marriage is so binding in the negative sense, why does everyone have ants in their pants when the single person is still single? And why is marriage glorified so much?

Solitaire said...

@ Anu,

Its nice to get a perspective from someone who has actually experienced both very recently. So it is true that people's attitudes towards you change after you get married...Why does it have to be that way. I see this more amongst Indians than other western races.

nik said...

well marriage does have its perks ... companionship being the obvious one .. prospect of starting a family among others .... so it ain't all bad ... but like the old adage goes ... "you can't have the cake and eat it"!

was reading your reply to @Anu - "So it is true that people's attitudes towards you change after you get married...Why does it have to be that way. I see this more amongst Indians than other western races." .... i think that is mostly coz the concept of re-marriage is alien to the indian society and a marriage is a *big* deal coz it happens only once in a lifetime.

jitendra said...

Heh. No but funnily enough, that one line stood out for some reason :)

i have devoted 2 posts recently on "marriage" and its whys and suchlike.

maybe for some reason, people think that deciding to live with "one" person all life is a sign of emotional stability/maturity/whatever. And anyone who hasnt decided yet, according to them, isnt 'stable' enough. but with increasing liberalisation (esp in India), the number of opportunities are increasing. Maybe thats causing a change in attitude towards "why should I just settle for *anything*".
Everyone has a right to opinion so the best policy is to stay indifferent to the ones that you cannot change. In my blogpost, I have dissected this topic quite a bit and come to the conclusion that society be damned, its that hormonic trigger that should matter the most.

also, i wouldnt disturb married ppl at 3 am :D

Solitaire said...

@ Jitendra,

Thanks for your input.

You say that its the hormonic factor that should matter the most. Is that convincing to parents who start to badger you as soon as you finish school to get married? Is it possible to stay indifferent to parents and loved ones who view you as "unstable" because you are not yet married?

And my last and final question since it has been harped on...

"Would YOU disturb a single friend at 3 am?"

Solitaire said...

@ Nik,

I really do not understand how being able to marry once or ten times really affects the way people start viewing you after marriage.

My best friend here is a White guy. I hesitated to call him at 11 pm even when he was single. I used to go out with him for coffee and dinner even when he was single. And I still do WITHOUT his wife with us and it never once occurs to either of us that he is supposed to have changed or that I am supposed to change my views about him because he is married! Being a devout Catholic, divorce is not acceptable to him and so this marriage is for keeps for him.

Solitaire said...

@ Ceedy,

On the contrary, I think most people in India not only yearn to have their cake but also want to eat it too and so they prefer the middle ground of being "committed" to someone in a relationship! Maybe things were the way you make them seem, a decade ago. But not anymore. "Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?" are very common and open questions.

It truly is frustrating that the SELF is given so little importance but things are the way you mentioned in a collectivistic society. The ones who suffer the most are the ones who hold values from the both the worlds.

Keshi said...

Sol, like u said in my blog, either way ppl will JUDGE.

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Just do your thing Sol. if what others say start bothering us, then we r already giving into their opinions.

As a single person, I hv faced all of this...and I see my married friends being branded this n that too. But everyone has their own opinion abt Marriage and Being Single. We cant please everyone, neither can everyone please us.

Some ppl think being Married is such a big deal. mebbe thats their only identity.

As for me, Im more than my marital status. Opinions can go to hell. Sinlge or Married, I hv alot more to offer to life and people, than a committed r'ship.


Keshi.

Anurag said...

Can't Relate much...but then all I can say is being Single Rocks :)
who really cares what the world says....The more you think about those people,the more you are going to think...So Chill..Don't think much about what the people say...Kuch toh log kahenge ..logon ka kaam hain kehnaa... :P

jitendra said...

i generally like to fight my battles alone. but hypothetically speaking, sure, i wont mind calling up a 'single' fraand at any hour. b/c my attached/married fraands would be hormonically hypnotised by better things.

ceedy said...

*Maybe things were the way you make them seem, a decade ago.*

Not really...this based on my current interaction with Indians here on short term work in the just marriageable age group that I have met in the last year or so...

vishesh said...

cause the society thinks that it write...for it is a bully and a monster...

Tejas Lakhani said...

In India, It's a tradition.
They don't start thinking about boy's marriage since he is 10 year old.
Everything happens at right time and so also marriage proposals.
I am not agree with you.
When its time for boy to marry a girl or vice-versa it s hould happen at right time if it happens prior to that then you should complain like why they all saying the one and only thing.

India is known for their culture and marriage is most important part of it.
In India we don't have tradition of marrying more than once (Muslims exception) no pun intended.

Regarding Site's Design : Can you please change background image as its strain on readers eyes when they read your post.

I Walk Alone!!! said...

In an ideal situation, life and relationships should not change much post marraige. But this IDEAL world is all we are dreaming of, which does not exist...

P said...

As we all know grass always seems greener on other side. So most us try to feel better by thinking about the less greener features of the other side. Married people label singles as lonely and unhappy, while single people label married life as boring.
And then we do/say things to prove it to others that we are on the better side.
That's my explanation.

Ne said...

I have been asked many times have I found the one that I am going to marry! Jewish families also want you married in your 20's I guess I will be the exception..

Friends Change, because their Priorities have to change. It is no longer.. Friends, going out, drinking and all of that it is called Hubby,family so on and so on.. then they begin to loose themselves. *Sigh*.. I am only talking from my side of what happens around me.. The phone calls do stop in the middle of the night, yes unless it is an emergency.

This was an interesting read, I would love to here more on it!

Ne

carolinagal said...

All good questions Sol...
Unfortunately, I don't have the answer to these questions.
For some reason, (amongst some Indian folks), being married is like attaining Nirvana or something..its ridiculous!!
Especially for a girl, being married off is like some parents' only reason to be alive or something..

Even though I am now engaged to be married, I keep hearing from folks..."Oh, you are not getting married for another year!!!!" or "What are you waiting for" or "If you wait too long, you are not going to be able to have children, blah blah blah"..YAWN!!

Anu said...

I agree to. I think that once you get married , in the indian view, you and your spouse are one unit. So the individual thoughts and opinions are lost . The easiest example is that my husband doesnt like onions, so when we are invited to dinner,the hostless, brings out a dish devoid of onions for both of us!! Thoughtful, but again viewing us a joint organism :) !

Solitaire said...

@ Ceedy,

Really? In my observation of the others, having a boyfriend/girlfriend is like a fad! And if you don't have one, something's wrong with you. I am in a university and see this happening every single year with incoming students, increasingly more every year. And then yet again, if you get married to that bf/gf, people label you boring!

Single=loser
Committed=BEST THING ON EARTH!
Married=boring

Groan!

Solitaire said...

@ Anu,

Haha!! I think it saves your host a lot of trouble if they just cook it once without onions. Do you love onions? I wonder what would happen if you absolutely cannot have food without onions. Who would be more important then? Or are YOU supposed to adjust?

Solitaire said...

@ Ne,

Thanks!! I had heard that about Jewish families but was not sure. I think the two cultures are quite similar.

As Jitendra (one of the commentors) says, most people assume that married people are having SEX and therefore, not good to disturb them at 3 am. But it does not really matter if a single person is sleeping, reading a book, watching a movie, or maybe spending quality time with a boyfriend/girlfriend, sibling, parent, apparently? The sexual act should not be disturbed but all else can be. Sigh!

Solitaire said...

@ Carolinagal,

Oh yes! I know what you mean when you say that its the parent's goal to get a child married off. I have heard so many people telling relatives after a wedding,

"Hawe toh tamne shaanti thai hashe. Badhu pati gayu."

(Now you must be at peace. It's all over)

Like that's all there is to life!! Job, soul-searching, travelling, other family duties all are secondary.

Solitaire said...

@ P,

That's an awesome explanation!
But what about those people who glorify it as if that is the only aim in one's life. Some have already experienced it (like parents and elders). So they are not on the other side...

Ankur said...

**but that your friends will decide you are not worthy of being called at 3 am anymore!

they dont decide but u give them hints of this!! :)

**Maybe they do that but then people also expect them to do that!!

its easy to say that, if we do as per ppl expect then a lot many things wont be needed, and also this post too.
We decide for ourselves, dont we! :)


Cheers!!

Solitaire said...

@ Ankur,

You might wanna have these discussions with Anu (one of the commentors). She has experienced all these changes from her friends even though she has not hinted that she wanted that change.

Ankur said...

well guess than i have diff friends!! :)

no need to discuss actually as u know it wont help anything, matter of the fact is, i dont mind them calling.. upto them wat they think of it!!!

Cheers!!!

Ankur said...

however the tough things to answer have no answers, as i experience here!! :)

Cheers!!!

Dawn....सेहर said...

Quite an interesting topic you have started here :)
I think this is every girl's post :) but then I think single people are at the advantage as all married one's keep wishing if they were single hahaha!
I never generalize this way but I think its the thoughts of individuals ...so people who think being married is all that ...I think they dont have any other ambition in life to achieve and hence ...!
I will say take a pill n chill ;)
Enjoyed reading your post
Thanks
Cheers

Solitaire said...

@ Ankur,

We cannot really predict before it happens.

I too thought that some of my very independent friends would not change after marriage. But surprisingly, they have!!

Solitaire said...

@ I Walk Alone,

True! But why so much importance to making one's marital status one's identity as if nothing else matters?

Solitaire said...

@ Tejas,

****In India, It's a tradition.
***They don't start thinking about boy's marriage since he is 10 year old.

I don't know about sons. But they
do start thinking about a girl's marriage even when she is a kid!

***Everything happens at right time and so also marriage proposals.

What is the "right time"? Your parents think its 25. You think its 30. Someone may not want to get married until 35. Then? Who is right?

***In India we don't have tradition of marrying more than once (Muslims exception) no pun intended.

I do not think its a "tradition" anywhere to be married more than once. Its only when you are unhappy in a marriage or are widowed that you marry again.

***Regarding Site's Design : Can you please change background image as its strain on readers eyes when they read your post.

Ok thanks! Will conduct a poll and see what people think.

Solitaire said...

@ Dawn,

Thanks!! :)
You have a point when you say this post is for girls. I think that men and women view this topic differently, especially because marriage entails many more changes and compromises on a girl's part than the boy's in India. Also, it is the parents of the girls who pester her more than parents of the boy!

Solitaire said...

@ Vishesh,

Society is a bully? Who makes society? You and me right?

Solitaire said...

@ Jitendra,

That is an assumption that that's what married people do every single night at every single hour! And what a single friend is doing in the middle of the night is not as important as those hormonic adventures?

Solitaire said...

@ Anurag,

Log kya kehte hai usse itna problem nahi hai. I am thinking ke aisa tradition kyon chalta aa raha hai ke married and single logo ki identity unka marital status hai?

gunj said...

well i hav no idea why is it so but it sure does suck!!
i wish we cud treat married n unmarried frenz equally!

Solitaire said...

@ Keshi,

***Just do your thing Sol. if what others say start bothering us, then we r already giving into their opinions.

I am. If I had listened to what people would have to say, I would not have had the "DR" against my name. I am just wondering why this categorization based on marital status.

***Some ppl think being Married is such a big deal. mebbe thats their only identity.

Not only that, even people in the society make it their only identity, whether they like it or not.

***As for me, Im more than my marital status. Opinions can go to hell. Sinlge or Married, I hv alot more to offer to life and people, than a committed r'ship.

Way to go!

Solitaire said...

@ Gunj,

Me too! :(

carolinagal said...

OMG!! I too have heard that before!!!
Sadly, I think my parents will probablby feel the same after I am married :(

nik said...

"Why is it not ok to call a married friend at 3 am" ..... because they might be in the act :) ??

humbl devil said...

bcoz they r married and you are singl...
people should discuss their singl-lyf-problems with ohter singls at unearthly hours and not married people...just bcoz the up the risk of making the married perosn singl again...
>:D

Hiren said...

ohh ... am late in commenting on a post, the topic of which has become the only talk in my life nowadays :)

** Hey Solitaire, this is Rajeev. He is married
he he he ... I have been at the other end of this ... Hey xxx, this is Hiren. He is single :) and believe me sometimes it gets embarrassing :)

** Calling a married friend at 3 am
hmmm ... I have observed that lot of things change after a friend gets married ... luckily this factor hasn't hit me at all with any of my friends ... i can call even my female friends who are married at any time of the day/night ... :)

@friends suggesting us to get married and giving pra-vachan about right age and all ...
I dont think they have any ill intentions. Just that since they have started the married phase of their life ... they too care about me and want me to get settled as well ... [and more so because they all think that I am taking this marriage thing very very lightly]

@ Giving into the pressure of marriage
this is a personal view ... but per me
- its a matter of the entire life ... so haste is not an option at all ... until and unless you are ready, convinced abt the partner etc etc ...
- Follow your heart. I will not agree till I find someone whom I connect with (u know that dil ki ghanti bajni chahiye types :) ]
- Enjoy the bachelorhood and getting introduced as single :)

Sorry for the long comment !! :)

Solitaire said...

@ Hiren,

I love SENSIBLE comments which is what your comment is. :)
Don't care about the length. A lot can be said in one sentence too and sometimes even paragraphs are not enough.

How come people don't introduce as, "This is Hiren. He loves sports"?

You still call your married female friends at 3 am. Saras! Thankfully you do not hold that wrong belief that married people are "in the act" every single night, every single hour! :)

I really do not like to equate the word "settled" with "marriage". Makes me kinda feel that its a "compromise". You know..like how they say..I did not find blah blah so I "settled" for this.

Haha! Good luck on your search! Haste sure makes waste so take your time!

Solitaire said...

@ Humble,

Haha! Loved the humor in the last part of your comment.

About the former, sometimes, girls have to discuss something with girls alone..and that too at that very moment!! what if all your girlfriends are married? :(

Lakshmi said...

I didnt really see the difference before and after marriage in us or in the way we are perceived....maybe its because the way we are ...as a fiercely independent person who believes that marriage is not the only identity and who zealously guards her space..I can tell you that now that personally i feel its good to be married..

Solitaire said...

@ Nik,

A single person might also be in the "single-handed" act at 3 am?

YUCK!!

Solitaire said...

@ Carolinagal,

Does that happen only when a daughter is married off or does it happen when all the kids are married off?

Solitaire said...

@ Lakshmi,

Great!!! I can say that I am personally happy to have a married someone on my blog say that marriage is not their only identity. :)

humbl devil said...

if it's a gal calling a gal..no probs...at any unearthly hour...
same goes for guys...
it's only when they r busy at nyt and you end up calling someone when they r on the brink of orgasm that things go bonkers :D

*helo sejal, sneha bolu chu...maru lyf ne problem solve kar ne*
:D

dunno if tht's the ryt gujjju...been years since i interacted in gujju

Hiren said...

an haan ... at least someone thinks I talk SENSIBLE :) i think I will forward the link to your comment to a few friends ;) :) :)

lol @ the sports thing ... sometimes i do get introduced like that and maybe thats one of the reasons that I m still single :p

@settled - ur comment on settled got me thinking for an apt word ... but nothin coming to mind as of now ...will go and recharge my batteries and then get back :)

ciao ... hv a nice Sunday!!!

arey haan ... and thanks a ton for your wishes ...:)

Solitaire said...

@ Humble,

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Sejal!! Hahahahahah!!!

Your gujju is funnnnnnnnny!!


Brink of an orgasm! Hahaha!! I think that people would silence their phone at that time..don't you think?

Solitaire said...

@ Hiren,

Haha! Don't bother thinking for another word. I know what you mean. Besides people use that word ALL the time. Remember AAmir Khan in Rangeela.."Life mein settle hone ko mangta hai" :)

Aneesh said...

Haha, it's a similar comment that I gave to keshi some time ago. I do have married friends and I do keep in touch with them even now and they are happy. Or may be your friends weren't that lucky to get husbands like my friends got.
Exceptions will grow 'coz so attitude and value of relationships of people are getting low. When you value some relationship, whether marriage or other so is the stability. If you don't value your relationship with your parents, ofcourse, for simple reasons you'll walk out of your home. 'N most of the youngsters, now a days, marry 'coz of the pressure from their parents and relatives. if they wanted to marry someone, it wouldn't have resulted in this.

****they are not allowed to walk out and be single again

if they want to walk out and be single then why did they marry?? Just to try what its like being married? ofourse, as a last option, you can, but now the first thing people think is about walking out.

***UNHAPPY and STUCK

It depends on what you expect from marriage. if you marry someone just to show everyone that you have a spouse and still want to hang out with your friends all the time and want to be yourself you will be unhappy.

Solitaire said...

@ Aneesh,

****Exceptions will grow 'coz so attitude and value of relationships of people are getting low.

If they grow, they are not exceptions anymore. They are the norm, whatever the reason may be.


***'N most of the youngsters, now a days, marry 'coz of the pressure from their parents and relatives. if they wanted to marry someone, it wouldn't have resulted in this.

Exactly my point. Why so much peer pressure? Is that leading people to make wrong decisions?


****if they want to walk out and be single then why did they marry??

They do not want to walk out TO BE SINGLE again. They want to walk out because they are unhappy and probably can be happier with someone else. Some things you cannot predict before they happen.

***It depends on what you expect from marriage. if you marry someone just to show everyone that you have a spouse and still want to hang out with your friends all the time and want to be yourself you will be unhappy.

That's not what marriage is all about. At least not in India. With marriage, comes a set of in laws. My friends are unhappy because of their in laws and it is not possible for them to move out. Ceedy has also talked about this in his commment.

Rakesh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rakesh said...

my last comment is miss-written..i wanted to tell that sometime people joke also by saying in that way..:)

Aneesh said...

****That's not what marriage is all about. At least not in India.

India is a big place buddy. You cannot judge people in india based on a few comments.

The RULES??
I don't know what's that, In some place may be, but I think most of the people in this generation don't care about rules, break the rules!!!

Mansi Trivedi said...

and married couples only hang out with other married couples! why?

Ferrin B said...

that is SO TRUE!! i hear that at every cousins wedding. the "beta, you're next" sentence. total yawnofactory line, i swear.

and you're right. i need answers too. WHY. tell me why.

Veens said...

i seriously dnt knw why!

Arjun said...

marriage is not the be all and end all of things.... I know.... I'm married!

It's great when you stop thinking about just I and graduate to a WE. Most folks even after marriage think I and not WE... that's when it becomes a drag!!

It's a phase of coming together... and I didn't believe it ... till I got there!

badshah khan said...

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Mampi said...

You remind me of Charles Lamb's essay in which he, in his own style, shows the way the married people berate him, an eternal bachelor.

GOod one.

Parul Gupta said...

beautiful article solitaire...tells me a lot abt u...hmmm i do understand what u r trying to say but its sad that people think so wrongly about this whole institution called marriage.....

Vandita said...

i dont have any married frnds as of yet, can't opine on this one...
but i do feel the lack of a relationship sometimes...

Satish Bolla said...

mayb because the married people envy us. just a hunch. can't dare to comment much on this