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Monday, July 14, 2008

You OR Them?


  • You open a birthday present with great eagerness. It is a small box, (apparently jewellery), and think its a diamond ring from your better half. Turns out to be a coral pendant. You are very disappointed and say, "wow!" and put it aside, forgetting about it the next day.

  • Your friends invite you home and you plan on going there at noon. At about 2 pm, they ask you if you are hungry and offer you some cookies. Obviously, they did not cook lunch. You are shocked, suppress your hunger somehow, and walk out bitterly and drive into McDees for a quick sandwich.

  • You have a very important interview for a job that you have coveted all your life. You have been studying for it for a month. On the D-day, your best friend does not call you to wish you good luck. You get the job. You call him to tell him the good news. He says, "Congratulations. Guess what movie I saw today...it is called blah blah.............." You are irked by his behavior.

  • Its Saturday night. You have made no major plans for the day and intend on spending a quiet evening with your partner/spouse. He announces that he is going out with his friends for dinner. You tell him about what you wanted to do. He apologizes and says he did not know and has already given his word. You are very angry, throw a tantrum, and refuse to talk to him the rest of the day.

  • You have a flight to catch tomorrow. You call your brother who lives on the other side of the town to drop you off. He says he cannot make it because he has a party to go to. You are furious with his attitude and vow never to call him again for help.

Can you identify with any of these situations? Have you ever felt disappointment when you EXPECTED someone to do something for you but did not live up to YOUR expectations? Whose fault is it? Yours or theirs?

They never made promises, they never gave you false hopes, but they DISAPPOINTED you when they were unable to read your minds.

Sometimes, we assume that people will do certain things for us, just like we think we would for them. But that is not always true. People have their own priorities, their own values, their own set of thoughts, and their own way of doing things.

Just because we like chocolate cake, we cannot expect them to like it, can we?
Let's stop expecting from others. Maybe, that will lead to lesser disappointments and more contentment in our relationships.

136 Words of Wisdom:

Urv said...

I know expectations lead to disappointments at times.. But if I stop expecting, it gives me a feeling of loneliness.. So I keep expecting..

maverick said...

well...to expect is a part of our human behaviour...it will always be there whether u like it or not....

Ankur said...

**Let's stop expecting from others. Maybe, that will lead to lesser disappointments and more contentment in our relationships.

Partially agree to ur statement here!!! I guess we all get into a relationship as we expect... Do you remember asking me whether i will marry someone whom i love and she doesnt love me back?

Wat is it, not expectation??
Well y i agree to u is that the expectations shld be less, coz at times we take things for granted, and when it starts happenning then its actually disappointing to hear a NO from the partner!!

But at the same time, expectations are a part of our lives, we expect few things out of nowhere.

But yes ur post is able to tell me that yes, y to expect few things when the other person is not thinking of it in this way!! :)

At the same time, let me share 1 disappointment among these, which is related to **they ask you if you are hungry and offer you some cookies.

We went to my uncles in laws place, now they invited us in the evening and in India, we really expect that ppl if inviting us in the evening then they are offering Dinner... so we went, We stayed there from 7-9 pm which is dinner time, but what all we were offered was some snacks!! :P
me and my sis were laughing at chacha!!! :P
and then he had to treat us... we were disappointed coz its a general tradition to offer dinner!! :D
hehe...

but really in my relationship i never had any such disappointments!! :)

nice post! :)
Cheers!!!

Aneesh said...

Well, about these points you mentioned, Personally my character is different 'coz I grow up in such situations. So my answer'll be
1. B'day present, I don't really care. Anything is better than nothing
2. Fun is when doing it together with your friends, I've starved together with friends which is better than having a chicken biriyani alone
3. Best friends won't do that and if he/she does that, then there's a reason
4. Mmmm, I could be disappointed but throwing a tantrum? I guess that age is over
5. I won't call anyone for that
But expectations, of course, it's normal that if you do a lot for one of your friends expecting nothing, but when you need help and ask for it, even though he/she can give it, if they refuses?
'N trust me, some one promises you a lot repeatedly and they never keep it, that's another thing, why can't they say they CANNOT instead of "Sure, I will".

"Sometimes, we assume that people will do certain things for us, just like we think we would for them"
I am of the opinion that if you ask someone for help and if they give it, then if they ask you for a favour, you should do it if you can!!!!

"Just because we like chocolate cake, we cannot expect them to like it, can we?"
its not like that its like
"They asked for a cake, we gave it since we had, 'N we asked for a cake 'N they didn't give it even if they had"
A friend in need is a friend in deed. Other wise, what's the purpose of relationship?

Paradox Phillic said...

Well, we are human....and are wired that way.... we EXPECT.

However i feel that being aware of the fact that the disappointment is caused by our OWN expectations and not the OTHER person's actions...could definitely put things in perspective.

Keshi said...

Good post Sol.

Yes, expectations lead to disappointments. But as humans we can never hv NO EXPECTATIONS from our loved-ones. It's inevitable. Basic expectations will always be there.

But I hv learnt far too many lessons in the past by expecting more than I should. So now I hv minimal expectations from even my mum n sis...not that they disappoint me but like u said, everyone has their own set of beliefs, values, priorities and things to do. From Friends, I dun even imagine to EXPECT anymore. lol! I hv had so many spats with em cos of that.

They key to learning that is thru experience..nothing else can teach u that.

Keshi.

Meghna said...

I, like urv, keep expecting but never let the irritation or disappointment take the toll on me :)

vishesh said...

ha well i expect a lot from ppl but am used to things not turning out the way i want,so i just accrpt it,after all i am the only one who can live up to myself :)

Swati said...

Ohh yes that happens with me , esp if the other one is a close friend or spouse. Actually this happens with ppl we love. We unknowingly take them for granted and so its def our fault. But then do you think we can change that completely?

Pavi!!!! said...

yayeeeeeeeeee...im back n so is psychobabble!

Hmm....i used to be like this in one phase of my life..have expectations n get sad n frustrated when they were not fulfilled...but have my learnt my lessons the hard way...n now i TRY MY BEST to not expect anything from any1...n that way every li'l thing a person does brings me joy!

Hiren said...

another point of view - when that someone/friends would live upto your (sometime unreasonable) expectations; more often than not you would not acknowledge that gesture (of him/her taking time out of their priorities, commitments etc and making sure that they stand true to your expectations) and would just end up taking them for granted ...


@ ur post - expectations should be there ... else there is no meaning of a relationship be it friend or any other ... the only thing is one should be pragmatic about their fulfillment and do not overreact if they dont stand true ...

SambY said...

yes , I really dnt expect much from others since a incident changed my attitude in 11th standard.. I prefer to take care of my stuff... but yes it leads to loneliness as urv said...but then thts the way i have become...i dnt love it...but dnt hate it either..and would prefer to remain this way

Shruti said...

I've been disappointed so many times for this same reason.. because the other person couldn't read my mind! Now if I put myself in their situation, what I'd do seems so perfectly justified. We all need to be a little more empathetic. And yes, tone down on the expectations. But then doesn't that make one a bit of a pessimist? Oh no no.. I'm only thinking in one direction. So used to assuming things..

A pat on ur back for this one! :-)

rayshma said...

yeah, but easier sed than done, no?
for instance, i cut my finger quite bad last evng... vin had to go out real early this morng for some pres. so, since he didn't have time and didn't want me to do anything... he made me cereal *which he had also* and left. but i don't like cereal!!!! and i expect him to r'ber that. :( see? am silly, no?

P said...

Yeah I have been similar situations. I try to not expect anything from anyone..but doesn't work many times :( Then I just console myself by thinking of the reasons why the other person could not do what I expected them to do, and think of other nice things he/she has done for me.

La vida Loca said...

well said!

Deepti said...

Great post Sneha...
Yes expectations are the causes for so many disappointments and heartbreaks...But we still expect cause we are made that way arent we :)...

aneri_masi said...

well, certain things are ok, others are not. Like if you ask some one to help...like in the airport story, and they prefer a party over helping you, then that's not right.
Other instances...are well...okay i guess.

Shiva said...

This is a good post Psychobabble...
Expectations leads to disappointments most of the time but.....

I was in a similar situation when my better half had planned to go out one evening but I had already made plans with my roomies to go out for dinner and that she would also join us but she was so angry with me that she didn't join us and didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.....

Ofcourse she was disappointed that I didn't live up to her expectations but at the same time I was equally disappointed because she did not realize that I promised my roomies for the dinner because we were all parting in a weeks time.

Everyone has expectation but expectations should be reasonable and when these expectations are not met there is obviously a reason which should be thought of before being disappointed and venting their frustration......

lukkydivz said...

easier said than done :P i've read a hundred posts on expectations...all in vain..i cant stop expecting from people. :(

Anurag said...

yaar...are u a student of psychology (sorry i am not making any assumptions based on the topic of ur blog)

sahi mein yaar...mast posts hote hai tumhare..

can totally identify with this post
though every time i feel disappointed or bad...i console myself saying exactly wat u said...my expectations are mine...others might not share it...

Kanan said...

As you already said, the answer is YOU, and not THEM. :)

Don't you think you should have told them about your expectations? I think that's where we tend to go wrong. We assume that the other person knows of our expectations. Had you told your s.o. that you're expecting him to spend that time with you, may be they wouldn't have planned it with other people.

Good thought-provoking post.

Nitin said...

Gud one Solitaire ... Its very true..

Princess Mia said...

yeah babes......its best not to expect.....cos that ways u always get more than what u thought off n theres a less chance to be upset....


but one cant do it all the times inne....but for the times i havent expected its surely been pleasant n btw am a strong believer in expected the unexpected...good or bad ;)

humbl devil said...

u sure hez your best friend???
i wouldnt even treat a normal friend like that...


one rule to live by...
always try to fulfill ur loved one's expectations (most of them) but never expect anything urself!!!
i know what u must be thinking...
easier sed than done!?!
but we never knwo till we try, do we?
and then we go on to surprise ourselves...you say u r a psychic ...so u shdnt have any problems trying...
:)

ceedy said...

So hum-tum has become you-them...

one can live this way...not expecting...but there is a threshold where constant GIVING will take its toll....cause you cant expect the other person not to expect....

and maybe we should expect the unexpected like hiren says above...that way we are grateful....like your angel friends you had once mentioned about...

τ ħ€ ĐάЎđяёάmёя said...

yeap..agreed

expectation leads to disappointment ...

but kya kare dil control hi nhi honda :P

Solitaire said...

@ urv,

Thanks! How is loneliness related to expectation? Is it that when you expect you feel a sense of right over the person leading to a conclusion that you are close enough to someone to be able to expect from them? And that feeling then makes you feel that you are not lonely??

Solitaire said...

@ maverick,

Always is quite a strong word. I do not think its necessarily true that all humans expect.

Solitaire said...

@ ankur,

Thanks for sharing the experience. I think yours was more comical than disappointing for you.
Yes, we do expect those that we love to love is back. But usually that is verbalized. Here I am talking about being disappointed when you expect others to read your mind.

Solitaire said...

@ Aneesh,

Its nice to have you respond to every single scenario but these are mere examples and I am sure there are many others that I have not covered.

This post is not about promises not being kept. Its about expecting someone to do something for us just because we would have in they were in that position. The emphasis is also on the expectation without much verbalization.

****I am of the opinion that if you ask someone for help and if they give it, then if they ask you for a favour, you should do it if you can!!!!
That's a personal "should" of yours, right? Not a written rule.

***A friend in need is a friend in deed. Other wise, what's the purpose of relationship?
So do you make friends only so that they are there in your times of need?

Solitaire said...

@ Paradox,

Yes, maybe. Its all about the perception even if the behavior does not change.

Solitaire said...

@ Keshi,

Rightly said. Its not only EXPERIENCE but also the openness to remember the lessons learned from the experience, as well as the awareness of what reality is.

Thanks!

Solitaire said...

@ Meghna,

And what is your secret?

Solitaire said...

@ Vishesh,

So you have grown wiser and are not the type who will throw a tantrum. Great!

Solitaire said...

@ Swati,

Yes, I think we can. Obviously its not going to happen overnight. It took us 20 odd (or whatever our age is) years to get this way. Its definitely going to take a long time to be some other way. But we have to take small steps towards the big goal.

Solitaire said...

@ Pavi,

:) Welcome back!

Your attitude...that's the way to be!! I wish everyone understood.

J said...

This is so true. Expectations and assumptions most of the times is a perfect recipe for being let down.

Easier said than done though, at times it's hard not to have expectations.

Solitaire said...

@ Hiren,

Your "another point of view" makes sense. In fact its quite related to what I am saying. Obviously our expectations arise from somewhere. Its either through what we have observed in other relationships, or through what we ourselves have done, or through past experiences.

At your comment on my post, I do not think that expectations SHOULD be there. The word SHOULD itself is very subjective. I think everyone SHOULD exercise everyday while you might think everyone SHOULD do only yoga everyday.
Is there a rule about which SHOULD is correct?

Solitaire said...

@ Samby,

Some lessons are learned the hard way. Nevertheless, they are lessons. No way is the right way but some ways just are better. Right?

Solitaire said...

@ Shruti,

Haha! I like how you thought out loud and reasoned through your reasoning! Thanks!

Solitaire said...

@ Rayshma,

Aww. Hope your finger is ok today. Well, you are silly!! It does not hurt to say, "Don't you remember I do not like cereal". Right?

This CAN be easily done!

Solitaire said...

@ P,

Well you do have the awareness and that is a great start. Gradually, you will master the art of not expecting. Keep at it!

Solitaire said...

@ La Vida,

Thanks!!

Solitaire said...

@ Deepti,

Maybe we are. But that does not mean we cannot change it.

Its just like men saying "we cheat cos we are not made to be monogamous".

That's not done!

:)

Solitaire said...

@ Aneri,

"That's not right" in your opinion. Maybe not theirs. Then?

Solitaire said...

@ Shiva,

I understand your predicament. Reasonable expectations are good but I still think that reasonable expectations should be verbalized and the other party should not be expected to know what you are thinking about, out of the blue!

Solitaire said...

@ Lukky,

At least you are trying. You are still young. You will get there soon.

Solitaire said...

@ Anurag,

Thanks so much! Haan I am a student of psychology. You did not know that?

Solitaire said...

@ Kanan,

Thanks a ton!!

Solitaire said...

@ Nitin,

Thanks for your comment!

Solitaire said...

@ Princess,

That's the way to go!! Good for you!

Solitaire said...

@ Humble,

Three things.

First of all, do you think that these are my life's instances?

Secondly, I am a psychic? And when did I announce that?

Thirdly, what has psychic abilities got to do with trying not to expect or to fulfil someone's expectations?

Solitaire said...

@ Ceedy,

****So hum-tum has become you-them...
Not really but if you like it that way, so be it.

****cause you cant expect the other person not to expect....
What does that mean? There are too many negatives in that sentence.

Solitaire said...

@ Daydreamer,

"control your emotions" :D

Solitaire said...

@ J,

Yes, it may be hard but not impossible. Trust me.

rayshma said...

lol!! i know! :D
but he was in a hurry, so didn't want him to spend more time...
anyway, he came back home so i cud have lunch! :D now me happy! :D

Anu said...

Good post.. Expectations most of the time let you down. The one about the gift especially brought back a lot of memories.

nik said...

what happens if the person we expect something from, is the "man upstairs" ... are we entitled to disappointments .. or should be content ourselves with rhetoric such as "Man proposes, god disposes"?

Tarun said...

Hmmm.
Thought inducing post this one,
I get peeved if things are on time.

Being tacit in an age of communication is a big no.
I would be really turned off and a volcano errupts if people/friend dont meet citing same lame excuse.

Karthik S said...

Don't assume and expect. If there is genuine reason to expect something... i think we can expect. Good post!!!

Cheers :-)

Hiren said...

Okay.. tell me what would be the difference in a person you called a friend and a person you call an acquaintance.... I think it’s your expectations from the two that will demarcate between them ... there will be other factors too like comfort level; likes/dislikes etc ... but this one will the prime factor for the differentiation.

The subjectivity of the word “SHOULD” in this context is not relevant ... in fact I think rather than should; expectations are already & always there consciously or sub-consciously ...

And like everyone says Never Expect (well I too say this sometimes during my pra-vachan frenzies :))...I don’t think that’s humanly possible ... so I propose a better option ... do expect but if expectations don’t turn into reality ... be pragmatic and don’t overreact (easier said then done ... I know)

maverick said...

@solitaire..

we all expect..take for simpler things..dont u expect to have food 3 times a day...dont u expect to have a good day at work/colg..etc...

Solitaire said...

@ Maverick,

No actually I do not EXPECT that. I only HOPE for that. These may seem similar but there is a grain of difference between them.

Solitaire said...

@ Hiren,

*****tell me what would be the difference in a person you called a friend and a person you call an acquaintance....

I do not make my differentiation based on my EXPECTATIONS from them but based on my intimacy with them as well as my feelings towards them and these two are my prime ones. Maybe your mind functions differently than mine (even though we both are odd gujjus. ;))

***in fact I think rather than should; expectations are already & always there consciously or sub-consciously ...

I do not deny that expectations are not there. Rather, I say, get rid of the ones that are conscious at least. Saves a lot of heartache.

***I don’t think that’s humanly possible

It is humanly possible. All those who have reached the stage of self actualization have mastered this art. (For more details look up Maslow's theory)

Solitaire said...

@ Karthik,

Then be prepared to be genuinely disappointed for there stands a chance for that to happen too!

Thanks!

Solitaire said...

@ Tarun,

So basically you have an expectation from then either to give you a solid excuse or to not give you any at all. And what you consider lame, may genuinely be their reason to not meet up with you. But at least you are admitting that you not only get disappointed but also get angry!

Solitaire said...

@ Nik,

That altogether is another tangent. This post can go places if we bring spirituality and religion into the picture. Those are topics that I try to refrain from.

Solitaire said...

@ Anu,

Thanks dear for acknowledging that these are realistic examples.

Solitaire said...

@ Rayshma,

OK!! And so did you EXPECT him to come home for lunch or was it totally unexpected?

Ankur said...

** Here I am talking about being disappointed when you expect others to read your mind.

ok.. point taken mam!!!

but then i thought that expectations and unexpected behaviorial response even exists in such cases too, isnt!! :)

and ya, it was funny for which my chacha had to pay!! :P

aneri_masi said...

Well, I would let them know what I think, and if it bothers me that much, I will probably not ask that person for help again...since they are not dependable in my eyes anymore.

AmitL said...

Hi,Sol..well,the lunch part,I did have an experience like that quite some time back,but,I laughed it off as just another of life's funny experiences.:)

Frankly,the best way to be happy,I feel,is to ensure your own happiness.Don't rely on others for your happiness,don't have any expectations from them either.Sounds a bit harsh,na??

Of course,as you say,sometimes it's our own fault for making assumptions!

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

Nice analysis!

I have been in more than one of the situations,and so have my loved ones because of me.

Expectations are the root cause of many a misgiving.But then,it's in human nature to expect.

We could all do to expect less and give more.That would surely make the world a better place!

Hiren said...

hmmm ... i think i m not being able to convey my message properly ... :(

Of course one doesnt make any differentiation consiciously based on the expectations point (it sounds very selfish & mean which is far far away from my line of thoughts) but somehow I think that the intimacy and feelings thing would factor in the expectations point sub-consiciously ...

anyways, the points I had put in were from a generic perspective .... as for me, fortunately I can just smile over the expectations not meant & ensure that they dont hurt me or create an untoward impact on my relationship with that person ... but yea on the other hand I try my best to stand true to the expectations of me ...

and thanks for the pointer to the Maslow's Theory ... its an intriguing & illuminating read ... just glanced through it as of now ... will surely read it in detail later ...

Shivi said...

but i can't live minus any expectations. i will have expectations. tis impossible but yeah i do have to lower them. life would be so much easier then. :-)

Urv said...

Not a sense of right over the person. Just a feel good feeling..

Swayam said...

I've faced that so many times... i guess i should just stop all of it... dissapointments are part of life and to deal with them we need to stop expecting... no pun intended...:D

Ashu'z said...

i concur with you and i m happy to see the BEST blog back to the activity which was so dearly missed all this days :)

Aneesh said...

sol,

"So do you make friends only so that they are there in your times of need?"
Haha, certainly not. But, there are times when friends are supposed to help you.
Friendship happens automatically, but as we become more closer, it is natural that the expectations will come. If not then, there is no difference b/w a class mate and a friend. Why our relationship grows is we expect something from them. Maybe we expect them to talk with us, have fun with us. That's all expectations. Without that life is nothing.

"That's a personal should of yours, right? Not a written rule."
Ofcourse, it's an unwritten rule. Relationships breaks off easily 'coz we don't care about such rules. How do you feel about a FRIEND who asks for your help everyday and one day you had no choice but to ask for a help from that friend and he/she simply refuses without a reason?
it's normal expectations occur!! Ofcourse you can avoid over expectations but we will expect thigs, that's sure.

Buzzz said...

hey i am adding this blog up in my kitty of blogs. i hope you dont mind.

Anindita said...

We get disappointed because we let ourselves expect too much! We must have lesser expectations, that way, we will have comparatively less disappointments and more smiles on our faces! :)

Anamika:The Sugarcrafter said...

hi solitaire
am new to your blog but loved your posts.nice thoughts..nicely poised questions and answers..
yes, expectations hurts ! but can we not atleast expect friends to be honest,can we not expect them not to betray you for trivial materialistic things or persons..have learnt it the hard way.....yes and now i agree..never expect if a person is really a friend, too but carry on to do what your heart says! they say...truth alone triumphs..is it true !
i love your blog and the psychobabble.

peek said...

human nature cant really put a stop to the expectations but expectations when communicated to the person with whom you have those,makes a lot of difference.

wont comment on each of the scenario here,but communicating do wonders.

mirage said...

Very good post solitaire!
U seem to know human minds well.It is true that our expectations r the main cause of disappointments.

But expectations from dearest ones always emerge out of Love.I feel,there is no life without love.

Anjuli said...

very nice one!

I could relate to it so much!

and so true...u shud never expect...

as they say in teh 'Art of Living' classes:

Expectation reduces joy!

SambY said...

no way is the right way universally..but yes..u can have ur own right way... being true to ur own self...rest all falls in place easily..

Ps said...

well, i think most relationships are a quid-pro-quo. Think about it--Its true.So 'not to expect' would be a tall order--it is only human to.
And usually I have observed that when you dont get help/what you expect from one source, another always comes along--at least it has for me.
Cheers
Preeti (Just a mother of two)

ceedy said...

****cause you cant expect the other person not to expect....
*What does that mean? There are too many negatives in that sentence.*

A person X helps and helps...and does not expect anything in return....but in this process is it right for him/her to expect that the persons he/she is helping will not expect more help out of them....that is what I meant - hope its clear

and I since I agreed with Hiren in the first place - I did read your interaction

Just one question - (maybe to both of you)

Isnt not having expectation is also a kind of expectation...how does one overcome that?

Is that addressed in the self actualization theory?

Am In Trance said...

Question Was: "You Or Them ??"
Answer IS: "Me... Me.... N' Only Me...."

(¯`•._.•[Raaji]•._.•´¯) said...

very true. expectations really disappoint us.

humbl devil said...

@sol

First of all, do you think that these are my life's instances?

they may be or may not be...you have a bad habit of blogging in third person.. :P

Secondly, I am a psychic? And when did I announce that?
a few posts back...

Thirdly, what has psychic abilities got to do with trying not to expect or to fulfil someone's expectations?
so you shd be better than normal ppl at predicting wot ur near and dear ones expect :D

jitendra said...

Hey!
for me, life will be too boring if everything goes on 'expected' lines. There are exceptions though. I *expect* kareena (the actress, in case you didnt know) to finally hop over to me, once she is done hopping over from tom to dick to harry :D

Solitaire said...

@ Jitendra,

Really? I only HOPE that Aamir Khan comes to me once he is fed up of Kiran.

Solitaire said...

@ Humble,

From the way you responded to me with your words of wisdom, it almost felt like you were giving me a bhashan on my "real life experiences".

Its not a bad habit of writing in third person. Its a way of being general without pointing fingers at anyone.

I am not a psychic. I just have a few underdeveloped abilities.

Chal jaane de...

Solitaire said...

@ Raaji,

Thanks!!

Solitaire said...

@ Am in trance,

Bus bus!!

Solitaire said...

@ Ceedy,

How is not having an expectation also an expectation? Expectation from who?
And still don't understand your first part. I think its getting more complicated than it should be.

Solitaire said...

@ PS,

If another source comes along, that's well and good. But I am sure that a spouse expecting a diamond ring will not end up getting one from someone else! Anyway, my theory is..if you cannot verbalize your expectations, do not expect. Cos people cannot read your mind.

Solitaire said...

@ Samby,

Correct!! You can have your own set of rules. Only don't expect others to play by your rules. :)

Solitaire said...

@ Anjuli,

They say that? WOW!
Thanks!

Solitaire said...

@ Mirage,

Thanks!! True..I too believe that without love, life is meaningless. Yes, it is possible to have no expectations from the ones we love. There are many parents who do not expect anything from children.

Solitaire said...

@ Peek,

Very true! That's what I was aiming at. Am glad you got it.

Solitaire said...

@ Anamika,

Thanks!!! Welcome!

I feel like experience is the best teacher. There are many here who will disagree with what I say and many who will agree. I feel that the ones who have had the experience tend to agree more because they have seen it and felt it as opposed to only have heard about it.

Solitaire said...

@ Anindita,

Somehow, instead of getting mad at the other person, we need to train ourselves first! True!

Solitaire said...

@ Buzz,

Why would I mind?

maverick said...

@solitaire..lol..hope is for the first time...the next time onwards it is an expectation...

if u r used to having breakfst at 9am...served ready on the table..and next day..u dont find it there...u ll b hungry..disappointed and pissed off..thats expectation...

SwAtI said...

Hey Sol!!

Am so delighted to c Psychobabble bak in action! :D
n Congratulations for ur dissertation .. :)

Oh yes.. its always Me and not Them..when it comes to expectations..bt its a tough task not to have any.. nevertheless, i always try to hv minimal expectations..

Cheers! :)

Hiren said...

@ceedy

bhai ... aise bhaari bhaari questions mat pooch yaar :)

Yes ... maybe the act of forcing oneself to curb a particular expectation (i still believe there is no way you can make yourself NOT to expect; you can curb it ...) can be attribured to self actualization.


like we expect people to read & comment on our posts :) but there are many of my naalayak friends who do read but do not comment and let me know their point of view ... :) so now I have curbed my expecatation of expecting them to comment :) ... [arggh bad example ... i know :) ... but hopefully better than the joke I had cracked on KP in the QQ post yesterday :)]

@solitaire
btw i missed out to comment on this earlier ... i think you can safely expect most of the peoplt to like choclate cake :) [well i am an exception to this expecatant assumption though :)]

preetha said...

If you love someone soo much...is it wrong to expect something from them?..is it wrong if they expect something from us..? it may not be materialistic...but a word, being there for some special thing, telling you if you are wrong...its not wrong to expect all that..it somehow shows that the person cares for you..you care for the person...maybe i feel if you feel disappointed you should immediately clear it up rather than thinking about it... :)

just few days back..i went through a similar situation nd had a talk about this...when people do not live up to your expectation...whose fault is it :)

Solitaire said...

@ Maverick,

Trust me..I won't!
I always hope for an A in my class. I always get an A in my class. But I never expect it. Always keep my fingers crossed.

Solitaire said...

@ Preetha,

Thanks for stopping by!
In your world, maybe that is how expression of love and care is. In my world, fulfilling expectations is not a big criteria. I don't want to express something to my loved ones just because I am under the pressure of their expectations. I would rather get the freedom to do it of my own free will.

Solitaire said...

@ Hiren,

In response to your comment to Ceedy...What you call curbing an expectation will gradually become an automatic reaction and innate to you.
And to the observer who does not know your internal processes, it will seem like you are not expecting.

Now let me go enjoy some chocolate cos there is no chocolate cake here and all this chocolate talk is making me hungry!

Solitaire said...

@ Swati,

Hi!! Thanks! Welcome to Psychobabble again!

Try try try until you succeed!

Solitaire said...

@ Aneesh,

***But, there are times when friends are supposed to help you.

Your rule again?

***Friendship happens automatically, but as we become more closer, it is natural that the expectations will come. If not then, there is no difference b/w a class mate and a friend.

I really try and not expect anything out of my classmates and friends. So would you say that all my classmates are my friends or would you say I have no friends?


***How do you feel about a FRIEND who asks for your help everyday and one day you had no choice but to ask for a help from that friend and he/she simply refuses without a reason?

Where did "without a reason" come into the picture? What if he does have a valid reason?

Solitaire said...

@ Ashu,

Thank you!!

Solitaire said...

@ Swayam,

You can't stop all of a sudden but try your best...slowly and steadily.

Solitaire said...

@ Urv,

Hmmmmmmmm. :)
Like chocolate cake??

Solitaire said...

@ Shivi,

Yah! Lower them and verbalize them!

Solitaire said...

@ Sameera,

Yes..definitely!!

Solitaire said...

@ Amit,

***Frankly,the best way to be happy,I feel,is to ensure your own happiness.Don't rely on others for your happiness,don't have any expectations from them either.Sounds a bit harsh,na??

Not at all!! I think that's how all content people live. They have a great internal locus of control!

Solitaire said...

@ Aneri,

Ok good.

Solitaire said...

@ Ankur,

Expectations and unexpected behavioral responses?

What are you talking about?

Aneesh said...

sol,

I have had a few experiences where people whom we thought as friends simply cheats us and later again behave to us as if nothing have happened?

"What if he does have a valid reason?"
I mentioned the case when he doesn't have a valid reason!!!

"Your rule again?"
Well, then I need to know what is your definition of friendship?

"I really try and not expect anything out of my classmates and friends"
Ofcourse you can try, but it is not possible for anyone not to expect anything.
Then you won't have friends, just classmates. Why in a class, say a strength of 120, we have a friends around 20 and we have best friends around 2 or 3. Why is that difference. Even if you say I don't expect anything, in reality, we do expect something, we expect them to talk with us, we expect them to share time/fun/anything with us. Ofcourse, you expect something, no one can expect nothing.

Just give it a thought!!! :)

Solitaire said...

@ Aneesh,

That is what I am asking you..if someone does HAVE a valid reason, do your rules change? And who defines the VALIDITY of the reason? You or the other person?

My definition of friend does not include expectations anywhere. It includes intimacy and psychological well-being. Forget my definition. Why don't you look at the generic definition?

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/friendship
I do not see the word "expectation" in it.

Why I have one best friend and few close friends out of a class of 120 is because I get along with certain personalities more over the others. I also share the same interests, ideas, and values with a few than the rest. It is not based on who did what for me and whether or not they fulfilled my expectations.

mohak mehta said...

you are soooo right...
mean it... i can identify with that... was so possessive before sometime ... hv realized that u need to give space to people in any relationship...

as u very rightly said , just because we like a chocolate pie , its not like they hv to like it too...

too good...

Aneesh said...

***if someone does HAVE a valid reason, do your rules change?
Ofcourse, it will.

***You or the other person?

A valid reason is something which is acceptable generally. When a kid bunk off from school to watch movie, it's a valid reason for the kid, but is it a valid reason??? Does the kid decide whether the reason is valid or not?? NO!!!
It's the reason itself which signifies whether it's valid or not.

Haha, you are too funny. I don't need an online dictionary to know what friendship is!!!!

****share the same interests, ideas, and values with a few than the rest

When they suddenly changes these, will you break off from them?

Lena said...

we can talk a lot about how not fair and not right it is to have expectations but the truth remains you cant just tell yourself not to have them, it does not work this way.

Solitaire said...

@ Lena,

It does BUT it needs a lot of time, energy, and practice. In the end it will be worth it!

Solitaire said...

@ Aneesh,

When the values, interests, and attitudes change, I will not suddenly break off with them but obviously the intimacy or that activities that we shared will diminish in its own course.

As far as the kid example goes, it definitely is not valid because its a KID and kids cannot make such decisions. Bhai kuch adult ka example do!

Solitaire said...

@ Mohak,

Thanks!! And welcome back to my blog!

Aneesh said...

***As far as the kid example goes, it definitely is not valid because its a KID and kids cannot make such decisions.

Don't let any kid hear this!!!
I meant people above 18 are only considered as adults, right? So, what about a teenager??

You need an Adult example?
its about terrorists, they think they do everything for a valid reason, now, do you go with it???

Ferrin B said...

wow. now that was something. ive experienced some of those situations you mentioned. and i guess you're right. that expecting something, even if its unintentionally, can/ may lead to disappoinment later on. and thus its better not to expect anything at all. i'll try :))

Reflections said...

"Hear, Hear"

Cdnt agree more. I always say
"NEVER expect anything in return.
coz if they forget, u wont be disppointed and if they do remember its a bonus"

U have a fantastic fan following out here:-O.

Vandita said...

i cannot count the number of times ive discussed this with my frnd... It might not be any of those situations but i do expect ppl to do certain things for me or be there for me at certain times coz i know that i will do it for them and i will be there for them whenever they need me...
I do get disappointed sometimes and ure right the key is to have low expectations but it doesn't come easily to everyone, its hard for me too but im at it...
i'll only say im improving :)
great post sneha ...

Satish Bolla said...

well said with good illustrious examples. but i've already learnt the lesson even before reading this. but the hrad way.... :(