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Sunday, January 27, 2008

Single No More-II

Since that post created a lot of hot debate and healthy discussions, I decided to do an informal survey by asking friends and acquaintances of Indian origin, if they would marry a divorcee or a widow. And here are some of the answers I got. Also included are some statements that I have heard in the past.

1) No way..used maal!

2) I don't know. I would have to ask my mother.

3) No. (no explanations given)

4) I don't know but maybe I would.

5) No because I do not want to marry someone who has wanted someone else to change in the past and did not want to change herself for the marriage.

6) No. My parents' heads will hang in shame.

7) I would but my parents would abandon me and I would not be able to live with that.

8) Yes. If I love her as much as I love my present girlfriend, I would.

9) If I love her, it would not matter.

10) I would. Yes she carries a baggage of a failed marriage but if i think i can help her carry it and handle it with her ... i think there is nothing wrong.

I will add more comments as and when I get them but I suspect that people might even fear me when I ask that question if they have already read this blog. I am glad that the ones above were open and frank enough to give me their honest opinion. But the results are very disturbing (barring a few ones that are encouraging). Most of these people are not even 28 yet. And we say "India is changing"!

Another twist to this. Today I was reprimanded for asking this question. I was told by a 22-year-old today that it is people like me who create these categories between single and divorced/widowed individuals by asking people such questions. Talk about projection!

P.S: Readers are also welcome to participate in this survey by asking around. I will be glad to include the responses here.


26 Words of Wisdom:

Deepali said...

Someone use to joke that I would end up with someone who was widowed or divorced cause at the age I would get married at no one would be single anymore (assuming I didn't want someone younger).

I would not have issues getting together with someone divorced because I believe that if I ever got married I WOULD get divorced.

I can see how family might have issues though - which of course would lessen if it wasn't the guys 'fault'. Anyway good debate.

Ashu said...

i feel that the Indian society has kinda moved on with the number of divorces increasing back home and mostly in metros over growing incompatibilities in professional, physical and mental areas........

most ppl prefer to walk off a bad or incompatible marriage rather than hang around and make compromises in a bad marriage.....

2 -3 yrs of being own and then the pain subsides, the baggage moves off and fades adn the person moves on to marry again, then divorced or fresh doesnt matter........

and no wonder 2nd marriage is way better than 1st cos the divo'd person is mature and knows how to handle the issues better now than as before......

experience as they say......

but parents are yet to come to the terms of divorce of their kids and unfortunately they play a big role in provoking either of the partners to go for big step!!!!!!!

Solitaire said...

@ Deepali, I hope that never happens to you..you getting divorced!

@ Ashu, the number of divorces has increased. The stigma is the same.

Darshini said...

Sneha,
this comment is for Ashu, regarding the question she posed in your first blog on this topic.

Ashu, you questioned my convictions and made me share some painful experiences on this public forum to prove my point. I think you at least owe me a comment back and perhaps even take back your wrong accusation. Its only common courtesy.

Thanks.

I'm sorry Sneha for using your blog for this, but I don't how else to contact this person.

Anurag said...

india is changing :o)

yes...we are...in many ways...
but not exactly in terms of our "cultural" baggage

there is a temple in rajastan...where even today "sati" is worshipped...n this is decades are the abolishment o f this ritual

even today child marriages happen

now one may say...this happens in the rural uneducated class

a brief check of the statistics would show the max dowry deaths and beatings happen in the "urban educated" class

n we say...indian sensex breached 20K
indians ready for the global challenge
indian youth no different from the rest of the world

so "india is changing"

but while i say this...i would also say...those few positive responses...do show genuine change which has started...it would take time...
n we are must better off than many other countries...so optimism is the key :o)

maverick said...

"And we say "India is changing"!

well thats too narrow a statement to make based on jus a few responses...n tht too on one specific topic :)...

India is changing will take time...most developed countries are what they are today bcos of hundreds of yrs of deciphering wat they wanted to be..we are just 60 yrs old into starting tht phase...

put together...a billion ppl...a huge diversity..culturally..geographically..linguistically..religion wise..n bang u gotta nice stew..it ll take its own sweet time :)

Mez said...

Human psychology doesn’t change so easily Sneha. Even you know it.

Vikas ( Vicky) said...

hmm....
1) No way..used maal!.... i might have reacted in the similar way... sorry for taking the post in funny and lighter mood...for which it was not supposed to be...

marriage divirce...chek this post of mine....just a bit of relevancy...

My second latest post... " Fire or Exit"

Solitaire said...

@ Darshini, that's fine. Anything is good until it does not become a war zone!

@ anurag, yay! nice to see people around who are not in denial about the state india still continues to be in.

@ Maverick, better late than never, I suppose!

@ Mez, if it does not, then I am going to be broke!

@ Vikas, let me deal with some feelings of anger toward you before I read your post.

Preethi said...

Good one here. I really appreciate your work on this. My question to you, even though i think the answer is obvious would still like to ask you...
Would ur first pref. be to marry a widower or a divorcee?
BTW
The 22 yr old had no idea what she was talking about! That's a fine definition for bullshit opinions....things you simply ignore...

c e e d y said...

Dont know what to say here - patience is a virtue - wont argue and try and change anyone - when one faces these dilemma (and I hope no one really does) only then can they realize what others went thru...

sometimes these very reasons - non acceptance - myopic outlook of his/her parents, prejudice for certain castes/communities...also add up to a resulting divo...

Cosmic Joy said...

I feel that when you talk about an arranged kind of marriage, you are going to find the first preference given to those who have never been married. You will see the discrimination (whether right or wrong).

But if you talk about two people who are attracted to each other, and want to come closer, where parents have not entered the picture YET, I dont believe there will be discrimination.

However, when these two decide to take the next step, thats when all hell will break loose in most instances.

I guess the bottom line is that its always the families that muddy the waters and create these discriminations.

How strong the individuals are to fight back and chart their own future course regardless of family pressures, is what will make the difference here.

Solitaire said...

@ Preethi, I have no qualms marrying either one because I grew up around people who have suffered and know better.

@ Ceedy, exactly! I don't wish people to go through the situation to understand what it feels like but at the same time some lessons are learned the hard way, I suppose.

@ Cosmic Joy, you are back! yay!
I dont necessarily think that its always the parents who create such issues. Take for instance the person who said, "used maal". If he knew that someone was a divorcee or a widow, he will make sure that he never falls for her.

Cosmic Joy said...

I was'nt gone that long ..

I believe in most cases (maybe not all), it is parents and the social circle that creates these issues.

As for the guy who uses these words, I would avoid such a person entirely. I believe that even if you discriminate against a divorcee/widow(er) for various reasons, at least treat them with dignity instead of calling them such names!

Preethi said...

Yes i knew that.
Assuming this post is about gauging the mood in the society or gauging the change to come...
My next question to myself and future parents.....
i see that many have problems with their family maybe using them as a shield.. What when they become parents? choosing a bride/groom for their kid. They're answerable to none so do we see a change in approx. 25 yrs. What will i do? For my daughter... will i choose without discriminating?

Cinderella. said...

"Used maal"...have heard that a million times.
How pathetic !

Cinderella. said...

Me thinx, people these days have lost the urge to reconcile in relationships, which infact is the key ingredient that makes any relationship last.
Everything cant be perfect. Never, with almost nothing.
When two individuals dont see eye to eye and read word for word on everything then how come they can expect to have a life where they will never have a disagreement.They should know this and also have the heart to reconcile and confront when needed,without thinking for who goes first.
Love isnt convenient, neither is a divorce.
So why call for it ????
If there is a damage that can be repaired then cant we give it a try ?
Walking away from someone, in happiness or in pain calls for grief that can never be really healed.It should always be kept as a last resort.

Solitaire said...

@ Cinderella, and if there is a damage that cannot be repaired, then divorce is ok? Ultimately, no one looks at what happened. They look at the tag. And if someone is considerate enough to ask for details, they are not that trusting to believe the story.

Ravi said...

My answer to this question is the one which is mentioned in point number 9 -

"If I love her, it would not matter."

Its damn true..if you love a person and there is an emotional connect, then these things (widow/divorcee) hardly matters!

In my extended family, I've seen such cases...

Take care!

c e e d y said...

@cinderella

some damages cannot be mended - once they happen - the relationship is already over.....and in such a case trying to solve it will lead to living a false life - under continous aprehension....

(hope solitaire you dont mind me using this comment - please kindly add it to my bill :))

Solitaire said...

@ Ravi. True, and yet some people may steer clear of these individuals if they have the knowledge prior to loving them. And also, there are some people who will not stand up for their partners (though they love them) when their parents object.

Ravi said...

It's a stupid/disgusting world we all are living in, buddy!

Anyways..I guess that's how things are these days...

TC!

Ashu said...

Ah Darshini, i feel you must have found my blog now. You are welcome to comment there. i tried to comment on your blog, but it was null. it returned me a null pointer exception, means it had no posts.....

i have not alleged u or passed a degrading comment on you or your comment...

You are welcome to read my blog, though my tracker tells me that you visit me and if possible lets meet up cos i m in same city as u r, Philla............

vEENs said...

I replied to the survey..
It doesn't matter to me.. but it "doesn't matter" because I am not yet in that situation right?
If I were there.. fell in love impossibly with a guy... then?
My parents won't ever in the world come to terms with it...
Even if it is not the guys fault...

But then I think.. what if? I get married normal and humble and it doesn't work out?
My mom always tell me.. whatever problem come.. bear and be patient..but for how long?

I can understand that society doesn't give us a chance.. but is it fair to your own self to be in a rel that doesn't help?! I don't know!!
but I sure think..that what the 22 yr old [whoever] said was inappropriate. Come on! Lets hear her out.. and lets hear if she is ready?

I have put in a lot of my insecurities here.. I m sorry.. if I went a lit away from the topic in hand!

but what The Hell.. I need to talk my heart out..

thx.

Mez said...

Haha..Atleast ppl wanna try so they come to you. U will earn ur bucks there only.

Solitaire said...

@ Ravi, they have been like this ever since I remember!

@ Veens, you are so right. We always tend to blame divorcees. Its easy to say that they did not try hard, they were not patient, they were picky, etc etc. But all this changes when we are in that situation ourselves and know what the reality is. "Bear it out" has been an age-old advice leading to so many marriages that were intact yet unhappy, or in some cases, suicide.